KENNETH HART: Fake stylebook and real comedy 022810

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February 25, 2010

Anonymous The Daily Independent Thu Feb 25, 2010, 11:48 PM EST

Anyone who works, or has ever worked, in print journalism in the U.S. is undoubtedly familiar with The Associated Press Stylebook and Briefing on Media Law, or AP Stylebook for short.

It has served as the definitive guide for grammar, punctuation and principles and practices of reporting since 1953.

I have a well-worn, coffee-stained copy in my desk that I refer to on a near-daily basis.

Here’s an example of a typical AP Stylebook entry:

“Pablum A trademark for a soft, bland food for infants.

“In lowercase, pablum means any over-simplified or bland writing or idea, e.g. ‘Ken Hart’s columns are pablum.’”

OK (not “okay,” as per the stylebook), so I made that last part up. Maybe.

You may be wondering by now why I’m telling you all this, and why you should care in the slightest.

It’s because some folks have decided that the AP Stylebook is a subject ripe for satire.

A group calling itself “The Bureau Chiefs” recently started a Facebook page titled “Fake AP Stylebook,” featuring helpful “suggestions” for writers that are obviously not intended to be taken seriously.

They’re funny even if you’re not a journalist, so I thought what I would do today is share with you a few of my favorite entries:

‰“Help readers understand an object’s size by comparing it to something: ‘The severed head was as long as one three-hundredths of a football field.’”

‰“When writing a story about dark cults, be sure to mention that NONE EXIST AND ALL SHARE PERISH IN FIRE. ALSO: HA HA HA.”

—“The correct spelling of ‘Spider-Man’ takes a hyphen. Knowing this is why we can’t get dates.”

—“Do not abbreviate the word ‘fort’ unless the fort itself has been abbreviated and the couch cushions are restored to the sofa.’”

—You may think it’s unimportant to cover ribbon-cuttings, but that’s because you’ve forgotten the Sentient Giant Scissors rampage of 1977.’”

—“The adjective ‘hitlery’ (’This hot dog tastes hitlery’) should be confined to the editorial page.”

—“There is a correct way to pronounce ‘molybdenum.’ Best of luck with that.”

—“It is imperative that you get comments from ‘real people’ on important topics like government decisions they’re not aware of.”

—“Lose/loose: ‘Loverboy’s song ‘Turn Me Loose’ made me lose my hatred of all things Canadian.’”

—“All conversations with a source are considered on-the-record unless they specifically mention those furry pictures of you going public.”

—“Always use ‘hero’ to describe firefighters, e.g. “Hero fireman in axe-murder killing spree.’”

—“’First lady’ is not a formal title and should never be capitalized no matter how many drugs she tells you not to take.”

—“In stories about celebrity infidelity, feign surprise.”

And, finally, an appropriate one on which to end:

—“Avoid ‘at the end of the day’ in your story’s conclusion. Use instead “As the giant space dragon eats the sun ... ’”

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KENNETH HART: Fake stylebook and real comedy 022810

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