ASHLAND — How’s this for an All-Star team?

My ace pitcher is not only on the hill, he’s over it.

My center fielder is a Harley-riding, cigarette-smoking pre teen who refuses to be walked intentionally.

My setup man throws like Aroldis Chapman only because his tendons fused too tightly when his broken arm healed. “Funky buttloving!”

If the Hollywood Walk of Fame designated one section to baseball movies, the following characters would make up my roster.

If I had just one entire season to put this team up against anybody, I’d do it. Even if we went 0-162, it’d be difficult to find a more entertaining clubhouse than this one.

I’ve come up with a diverse cast of fictional baseball greats. Eighteen movies are represented on a team with 25 players and five coaches.

Adjust your ballcaps, dust off the DVD collection and let’s roll!

Starting rotation

1. Billy Chapel (Kevin Costner, For Love of the Game): So much is on the mind of the Detroit Tigers’ 40-year-old right-hander — his girlfriend informs him that she’s taking a job overseas and he’s informed that he will be traded — but Costner’s character doesn’t crack. Heck, he doesn’t even realize he’s retired every single batter he’s faced until the bottom of the eighth.

2. Steve Nebraska (Brendan Fraser, The Scout): Another perfect game thrower, Nebraska orchestrated his in unrivaled fashion — 81 pitches, 27 strikeouts. Every pitch was a strike, and no one put the ball in play. Now, is it beginner’s luck or does this guy really pitch like a baseball god? His youth is the only reason he’s No. 2 on my staff.

3. Nuke Laloosh (Tim Robbins, Bull Durham): Another fiery, young gun. But for such a wild character who will sure keep the clubhouse loose, he sucks as an interviewee, thanks to tips from his minor league catcher.

4. Mel Clark (Tony Danza, Angels in the Outfield): Maybe not having the stress of being an ace on him will prompt Clark to put the cigarettes down. He could move up in the rotation if wing-flapping angels are with him.

5. Chet Steadman (Gary Busey, Rookie of the Year): Played by Busey before the actor lost his mind, Steadman is inevitably nearing the end of his career. Along with Chapel and Clark, Steadman anchors a quite elderly rotation, but I like a good chunk of wily veterans in my five. Plus, Steadman knows a good meal when he eats one: “One of the best salisbury steaks I’ve ever had in my life,” he says on an airplane.

Bullpen

Long reliever — Mike McGrevey (Scott Patterson, Little Big League): McGrevey revs it up and returns to form after 12-year-old Twins manager Billy Heywood asks pitching coach Mac MacNally, “What’s the going rate for an absent-minded pitcher who can’t get anybody out?”

Middle reliever — Eddie Harris (Chelcie Ross, Major League): Harris is a true master of the doctored-up baseball.

Middle reliever — Ryan Dunne (Freddie Prinze Jr., Summer Catch): Then-Red Ken Griffey Jr. touches him up during his first week in the majors, and “Summer Catch” is nearly a romantic comedy, but the movie offers up enough baseball and Dunne offers up enough reason to give him a chance on the roster. Plus, it puts a lefty in the bullpen.

Setup — Henry Rowengartner (Thomas Ian Nicholas, Rookie of the Year): What can I say? He gave every kid a reason to purposely try to break their throwing arms. The voice-cracking no-talent player who battled with “Windemere” for playing time with the Little League Pirates became the Cubs’ most dependable reliever and ticket-seller.

Closer — Ricky Vaughn (Charlie Sheen, Major League): Sheen plays perhaps the most popular baseball character of all-time. Vaughn and his skull-and-crossbones specs will be bolting from my bullpen to “Wild Thing” in the ninth.

Lineup

SS Benny “The Jet” Rodriguez (Mike Vitar, Sandlot): Beastdog Hercules was supposed to be chained up “forever,” as said best by Michael “Squints” Palledorous, but when he broke free from the chains, only Rodriguez had the wheels to outrun him.

CF Kelly Leak (Jackie Earle Haley, The Bad News Bears): He thinks he’s the coolest kid in town, and he’s definitely the best athlete in the neighborhood. Leak is a great contact hitter and he’s got good speed.

RF Roy Hobbs (Robert Redford, The Natural): Nobody touch his Wonderboy!

LF Bobby Rayburn (Wesley Snipes, The Fan): A three-time Most Valuable Player, can be a staple at cleanup as long as Robert De Niro isn’t in the stands anywhere.

1B Stan Ross (Bernie Mac, Mr. 3000): This was a close call. There happens to be several solid first basemen on the Silver Screen. Ross, though, is the best pure hitter, so he belongs in the starting slot.

3B Roger Dorn (Corbin Bernsen, Major League): We’ll have to keep Dorn and Vaughn separated, but we’ll leave that to the esteemed coaching staff. There’s no salary cap to this team, so Dorn can rake in the big bucks and be happy.

C Leon Carter (James Earle Jones, The Bingo Long Traveling All-Stars & Motor Kings): Carter’s here for a few reasons. The character is based on Josh Gibson, maybe the greatest-hitting catcher ever — Gibson hit .359 and hit a home run every 16 at-bats in his Negro Leagues career — and he’s played by Jones, who was also in Field of Dreams and Sandlot.

DH Moonlight Graham (Burt Lancaster, Field of Dreams): I’m sort of breaking a rule, I guess, because Graham was an actual player for the New York Giants in 1905. He played in one game, and didn’t even step into the batter’s box.

2B Ellen Sue Gotlander (Freddie Simpson, A League of Their Own): Gotlander brings the girl power and the Ashland connection. She’s played by Freddie Simpson, the daughter of Fred Simpson, who is from Ashland.

Bench

C/UTIL Dottie Hinson (Geena Davis, A League of Their Own): Hinson is the first player off the bench, and nearly sneaked into the starting lineup. She’s a catcher in the movie, but she’s got exceptional baseball IQ and knows every position.

CF/UTIL Willie Mays Hayes (Wesley Snipes, Major League): Another Snipes sighting. Hayes will primarily be used as a pinch runner, because as his manager tells him, ‘You may run like Hayes, but you hit like s---.”

C Crash Davis (Kevin Costner, Bull Durham): Davis’ presence is a must to have around. He’ll mostly be used for charting pitches and acting as a second pitching coach.

C Jake Taylor (Tom Berenger, Major League): Like Davis, he’s aging, and he has weak knees, but the sheer ability to handle pitchers makes him important enough for this squad.

1B Lou Collins (Timothy Busfield, Little Big League): If he wasn’t robbed by Griffey Jr. in the one-game playoff at the end of the flick, Collins takes over for Ross as the starter.

1B Jack Elliot (Tom Selleck, Mr. Baseball): Elliot brings a contagious enthusiasm for the game along with his cultured ways after a stint in Japan. He and Steadman could debate who has the best mustache on the team.

Coaching staff

Manager — Morris Buttermaker (Walter Matthau, Billy Bob Thornton, The Bad News Bears): “Baseball’s hard, guys. I mean, it really is.” Matthau’s Buttermaker would be my coach half of the time, with Thornton’s the other half.

Bench coach — Jimmy Dugan (Tom Hanks, A League of Their Own): “There’s no crying in baseball!” Between Dugan and Buttermaker, it will be a struggle to keep the clubhouse coolers fully stocked.

Pitching coach — Phil Brickma (Daniel Stern, Rookie of the Year): “The key to being a big league pitcher is the three R’s: readiness, recuperation and conditioning!” Keep him away from sunflower seeds.

Hitting coach — George Knox (Danny Glover, Angels in the Outfield): “One more loss! One more loss which could’ve been a win!” Knox’s rough exterior hides his heart of gold.

Bullpen coach — Lou Brown (James Gammon, Major League): “Give ’em the heater, Ricky!” Ah, the original Sweet Lou.

AARON SNYDER can be reached at asnyder@dailyindependent.com or (606) 326-2664.